Warren Groen: Rhymes with Moan

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Groen, left, alongside my daughter’s self portrait and former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent.

Warren Groen is a fourth-term member of the New Hampshire House of Representatives. He attended Toccoa Falls College, has a pretty thick beard and likes wearing American flag pins on his lapel. Just to remind you that A. He loves pins; B. He loves America. Not necessarily in that order.

You’ve probably never heard of Warren, which isn’t a big deal. He’s a bit player in a small state; a guy who’s had some nice highs (one of 15 children, he was born and raised on a crop and dairy farm) and some horrible lows (In 2008 he lost a 22-month-old granddaughter, Lindsay). He’s one of many, and looks like one of many. Again, not an insult. I’m one of many, too.

Last Thursday, however, Groen separated himself from the pack by having what can only be considered a truly mean-spirited and awful moment. A bunch of fourth graders from Lincoln Akerman Elementary in Hampton Falls, N.H. visited the State House, where they attempted to learn about democracy first hand by drafting a bill. It was called House Bill 373, and was designed to establish the Red Tail Hawk as the New Hampshire State Raptor. This is, of course, cute and funny, because, well, a state raptor? Who knew such a thing existed?

The bill actually passed through the Environment and Agriculture committee with a majority vote, giving the kids an amazing victory. Then, however, Groen (rhymes with moan) stepped in. With the kiddies in attendance, New Hampshire’s favorite son stepped to the mic and said, “[The Red Tail Hawk] grasps them with its talons then uses its razor sharp beak to basically tear it apart limb by limb, and I guess the shame about making this a state bird is it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood.”

Um … what?

“Bottom line, if we keep bringing more of these bills, and bills, and bills forward that really I think we shouldn’t have in front of us, we’ll be picking a state hot dog next,” added Rep. John Burt, another Republican lawmaker (onewhose name rhymes with “Hurt”—but should rhyme with “bag of douche.”

Anyhow, the children left, probably confused, dumbfounded, bewildered.

And certain to never vote for Warren Groen.

5 thoughts on “Warren Groen: Rhymes with Moan”

  1. A good friend of mine married a guy from NH. Never met someone so high on the Pucker Index, including most of my “Directors” during my working career.
    -Gary from Colorado who offered to help you get acclimated to your new SoCal digs. You responded by blocking me on Twitter. I do forgive and forget, unlike many “People of Faith’.

  2. And here I thought that Ted Cruz stating that the world is on fire (and then repeating it for emphasis when a three-year-old expressed childlike dismay at his word choice) would be the weirdest moment involving politicians and small children in my state this week.

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