The Drain Wig is my lord and savior

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This morning I was working out at the gym, watching CNN, when a commercial for the Drain Wig crossed my ocular nerves.

And now I am blind.

The Drain Wig is an amazing device. You place it in your shower/bathtub drain, and it catches the hair. And … and … and … eh, that’s about it.

But wait! There’s more! The best part isn’t the catching—it’s the extraction. After a certain point, one removes the Drain Wig from its place and—voila!—he is gifted with his very own hair plant. Which is cool, because while all this talk about dying species and extinct species of both animals and non-animals is moving and alarming, what the world truly needs is an influx of beautiful hair plants. Now, for just $19.95! (exclamation mark intentionally included), you can start your very own hair plant harvesting colony …

But wait! There’s more! According to the commercial, the Drain Wig is your future best friend …

But wait! There’s more! Do you tire of yanking hair from your drain?

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But wait! There’s more! Do you love fishing?

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But wait! There’s more! Do you have your hair done at the salon right before extracting especially long and unwieldy pubes from your drain?

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But wait! There’s more! Do your hair clumps look like tadpoles?

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But wait! There’s more! Is Cousin It living in your house?

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But wait! There’s more! Do you dredge?

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But wait! There’s um … not even sure what to say here.

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But wait! There’s more! Are you a housewife from 1954?

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Buy the Drain Wig! All your dreams will come true.

Now allow me to vomit.

Down my drain.

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