JEFF PEARLMAN

Coming October 2022: "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Myth of Bo Jackson"

Why I’m voting for Donald Trump

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I’m voting for Donald Trump because he means what he says and he says what he means and he means what he means he says.

I digress.

Donald Trump once took a shit in my mouth. Donald Trump once assaulted my sister, then raped my sister’s horse. Donald Trump ran over my foot with a tractor, then spit in my face and punched me really hard.

But I don’t care. He says what he means and he means what he says. And this is America.

Donald Trump once farted in my face. On purpose. He once stole the Thanksgiving turkey off my table and fed it to his dog—who was allergic to turkey and threw the whole thing up. Then he made my sons eat the turkey dog throw up. It was gross.

But I don’t care. He says what he means and he means what he says. And this is America.

Donald Trump thinks Menudo is what music is all about. Donald Trump’s favorite movie is The Godfather—part III. Donald Trump eats at Macaroni Grill.

But I don’t care. He says what he means and he means what he says. And this is America.

There is nothing you can say that would stop me from supporting Donald Trump. He backed Hillary (The Devil) Clinton? Well, I’m sure he was drunk. Mexico says there’s absolutely no way it’ll build and pay for a wall along the border? Donald will use his mind powers to change that. It’s literally impossible to round up 11 million illegal immigrants? Donald has a magic Mexicanlio net. Trust me. Trump University was a hoax? Donald will now start hoaxing those ISIS bitches.

I’ve been told that Donald Trump hangs out at elementary schools, waiting for young girls. Well, that’s OK. It shows his youthful enthusiasm. I’ve been told Donald Trump bites the heads off of live chickens. Well, that’s OK. Too many illegal immigrants are being paid by the poultry industry. I’ve been told Donald Trump hijacked the invisible fifth plane on 9.11? Hey, I admire anyone who enjoys flying. Donald Trump has been caught lying about 5,000 times this month? He’s inventive!

Truly, I don’t care. He says what he means and he means what he says. And this is America.

Sigh.

This is America.