I want these for Christmas

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Christmas is coming, and even though I’m a Jew who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I know exactly what I want for Jesus’ birthday.

The above sweaters.

Why? Let me count the reasons …

• 1. What better way to spend $300?

• 2. I’ll be the only person in Southern California with Mark Gastineau/Kn O’Brien sweaters.

• 3. It’s always 1985 in the Pearlman household.

• 4. Knitting is the new hip-hop.

• 5. The olds Jets logo is better than the new Jets logo, which is the old Jets logo.

• 6. What better way to celebrate Mark Gastineau’s ass tattoo of Brigitte Nielsen?

• 7. It’d be a daily reminder that the Jets could have drafted Dan Marino.

• 8. I have no friends, and the sweaters would be instant magnets.

• 9. Lam Jones sweaters unavailable.

• 10. The sweaters would infuriate Donald Trump. Because they were made by gay Muslims who never say “Merry Christmas.” Or so I’ve heard.