Christmas is coming, and even though I’m a Jew who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I know exactly what I want for Jesus’ birthday.
The above sweaters.
Why? Let me count the reasons …
• 1. What better way to spend $300?
• 2. I’ll be the only person in Southern California with Mark Gastineau/Kn O’Brien sweaters.
• 3. It’s always 1985 in the Pearlman household.
• 4. Knitting is the new hip-hop.
• 5. The olds Jets logo is better than the new Jets logo, which is the old Jets logo.
• 6. What better way to celebrate Mark Gastineau’s ass tattoo of Brigitte Nielsen?
• 7. It’d be a daily reminder that the Jets could have drafted Dan Marino.
• 8. I have no friends, and the sweaters would be instant magnets.
• 9. Lam Jones sweaters unavailable.
• 10. The sweaters would infuriate Donald Trump. Because they were made by gay Muslims who never say “Merry Christmas.” Or so I’ve heard.